Strength is a defining characteristic of black people and culture. Strength (along with hope/faith) is what has gotten us through hell to where we are today and it’s what keeps us moving forward. But as Terrie Williams points out in her new book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting, there is a significant cost to our unspoken cultural expectation to project strength 24/7.
Black men and women alike are most definitely engaged in this dynamic of strength-projection. It’s just as evident in the elderly dignified grandmother that’s the rock of the family as it is for the young thug with the cold grimace. One form may be more authentic than the other, but the investment in the portrayal of strength and poise is quite similar. I’m particularly struck by the dynamic among my black male peers. For the most part we act like the undeniably universal emotions of pain and sadness don’t apply to us. Anger and frustration is acceptable, but pain and vulnerability seem strictly off limits. Of course this is also common among men in general, but I’d argue it is more prevalent among us.
I am proud of the fact that among some of my best black male friends we have gotten beyond the discomfort most men feel in expressing love for each other. It is not an unusual occurrence for us to do that. Yet I find it completely odd that these same meaningful relationships are substantially lacking in expressions around the likes of sadness, fear, and doubt. It is much more difficult for us to reach out to each other in these ways. It’s as if the rule is to maintain the swagger at all times. Show no vulnerability.
Constant swagger makes sense at the job, but maintaining that image should not be a full time endeavor among family or friends. There is no doubt that we are paying for it in terms of our mental and physical health. As Williams notes in the Amazon video clip, it’s not necessarily the pain that we are paying for–”it’s the stress of pretending that [we are] fine.” Brothers need to be able to get to a place where we are just as likely to lend an ear to another brother in pain as we are to throw down for them in the heat of some beef. Just as important, we need to reach a place where we are able to express pain and sadness as much as we are to express anger over being disrespected. If we’re honest, we all need work in these areas. It’s hard work, but hard work is no stranger to us. Let’s keep at it for our own sake.
**Check out the Root.com article on Williams’ book and depression**
10 responses so far ↓
1
Vee
// Mar 5, 2008 at 8:02 am
That’s a serious subject that’s unfortunately not discussed often. I find that very few brothers really cope with feelings of vulnerability, sadness, loss, etc. in a healthy manner. This is just from my personal experience and others that I’ve read about.
Being able to feel insecure, loss, sadness is not encouraged nor socially acceptable for men in many communities. It was recently discovered that Abraham Lincoln hid his bout with depression. Public officials must maintain an image at all times.
Unfortunately, this really cripples the growth and development of many young boys. I have observed that there’s usually an effort to nurture and support young women’s mental health while young men are totally neglected in this regard. This issue was discussed in books by bell hooks, and also touched a little by Joan Morgan’s Chickenheads Coming Home to Roost.
To his credit Powell has consistently made an effort to bring these issues to the forefront. And I might as well add, rapper Joe Buddens has openly dealt with depression and some of his personal feelings through song.
2
L
// Mar 5, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Hmmm. I don’t know if I agree with your assessment, Mike. I think the source of your insights don’t lead, necessarily, back to race. Rather, I think the way a man deals with doubt, fear, guilt, insecurity (you know, all that soft stuff) traces back to his level of maturity. Among my close friends, who are mostly black, we talk a lot about that soft stuff. We love each other and trust each other, and, for the most part, we’re mature, emotionally developed people. Moreover, I find that most of the soft stuff that I am inclined to share, I would rather the ear of a woman than one of my boys. Perhaps you discount too much the disclosure that likely takes place between a man and a woman (or whomever you desire when you need intimacy, I can’t call it). I mean, even the hardest thug takes his Timbs off to come to bed. Who knows what he says there?
Additionally, Vee makes a great point, that I didn’t really appreciate when I first read it. That is, much of rap music now is the outlet to many artists feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. The ideas of fear and failure may not be explicit in the music, but as E has noted elsewhere, almost all rap is an ongoing cry for help. Similarly, how much of the unguided behavior of black boys is a running essay expressing their pain and hurt and emptiness. It seems the communication may be lost in translation. Are brothers not communicating these feelings (less likely) or are we not up on the vocabulary used to express these ideas (more likely). Point is, we all need to express these feelings and we all do. The trick is expressing them honestly and in a forum that allows for growth. And as brothers to these brothers, we have the responsibility to learn some of the vocabulary they are using and not assume that everything they do is everything they mean. However, I’m not trying to hear some dude’s pyschobabble over a hot track. Rap is whack.
3
Mike
// Mar 5, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Good points, Vee and L. L, I fully appreciate the ear of a woman in discussing the “soft” stuff and rely heavily on them for that myself. But why is it so much more rare among men? I think the issue between brothers has less to do with maturity than it does with violating a social rule that can lead to one being stigmatized or dismissed much like people with mental illnesses are stigmatized. Regardless of your level of maturity, you are probably less likely to share that you are struggling with depression, anxiety, or whatever with a friend for fear or being invalidated, not heard, minimized, or shunned. In much the same way, I think men, regardless of maturity level, struggle with discussions of inadequacies, fears, and other feelings in male-male relationships. I do agree that men are much less skilled than women and lack the vocabulary of most women to articulate these emotions. But I don’t think that men tend to turn to women *only* because they are more adept at discussing such issues. It also has do with the greater level of acceptance of women to discuss such things (or *perceived* acceptance?). With men the rule is that it’s much less okay to do so.
Vee, you do make a good point about the neglect of nurturing the mental health of black boys. I also appreciate you comment on rap music. I L think has a different take on rap than what I understood you to say. You seem to be saying that some rappers are beginning to explicitly put on the table the issue of depression and all of the challenges that come along with it. Rappers who do that are not whack in my opinion. On the other hand, it IS whack to *act out* your insecurities by denigrating your brothers and sisters and glorifying your own status. I think that’s L’s point. The problem with rap is that we have way too much of latter and far too little of the former.
4
Vee
// Mar 5, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I specifically stated Joe Budden because he is directly talking about his feelings and he’s not acting out at all. There are a number of others who truly and explicitly deal with their feelings sans the hedonistic and mysognistic language. Of course they fly past many peoples radar. Honestly, there is definitely a lot of crappy whiney psychobabble and I rarely hear an sincere voice in the genre.
I agree with L on the matter of race, it is universal.
There are many difference between the way boys and girls, men and women express themselves. There are nuances and codes that you can only appreciate if you share an close relationship with the person. Many of these feelings manifest in different ways. Being honest and understanding the differences between boys and girls will definitely help this issue of learning how to deal and cope with difficult feelings.
I will say that when it comes down to friends, you should really be able to talk them in an open and productive way. That’s what they’re there for. Cliche, I know.
On another note, there recent article in the NYTimes discussing single sex education that offers some insight.
5
L
// Mar 5, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Follow me now, Mike (shout out to Ravi Zacharias). My point is not that men turn to women because women are more adept at discussing the mushy stuff. Rather, my point is that women are more accepting of hearing the mushy stuff. Now, most women I know have to love a dude a whole lot not to reposition herself, if not consciously then subconsciously, after hearing her guy fully disclose. I mean really? Full disclosure to anyone is like a deal breaker, no? The calculus behind that repositioning for women is just much more complicated and nuanced than it is for most men. If Jeff tells his girl, Denise, he feels really depressed all the time and seriously lacks the confidence in himself to get to where he wants to go in life, while Denise will sit there and do what he needs her to do, best believe all the Denises I know upload that information and file it. Just bes that way. Who knows how that will play out, but she’s making decisions going forward with that new tidbit in mind–one way or the other.
This is not really a conversation about black anger (I maintain that such a thing does not exist). Rather, this is a discussion about interpersonal economics and language and the core motivating force of fear and isolation. Race and gender have much less to do with it than the simple fact that we’re talking about people: a creature lthat, like all others , lives in an almost constant state of fear. We just have more developed ways to run.
6
Vee
// Mar 5, 2008 at 7:41 pm
L, you nailed it right there.
Some needs to forewarn Jeff and let him certain feelings that he discloses will be counted against him. While Jeff will process the information, that is if he’s really listening and forget it the next week.
But isn’t it really great when you can express yourself unbridled without judgement or worry about incriminating yourself in the future?
And can you please ask Denise to stop filing it away, because Jeff is probably not going to recall that conversation verbatim. I’m just saying.
Thanks L, I definitely learned something there.
7
Mike
// Mar 5, 2008 at 11:14 pm
L, I was never talking about full disclosure here–I’m talking about sharing emotions linked to vulnerability on even the most basic level. Men rarely disclose these kinds of feeling at all–forget about fully.
Re the Jeff/Denise scenario… Why would full disclosure about clinical depression and doubts of reaching one’s goals (a typical expression of depression) be “a deal breaker?” I can see it if Jeff and Denise are casually dating, but a deal breaker for someone whom you really have genuine love for and a deep connection with?
I’m not sure what you mean by “repositioning.” Sure, Denise might have concerns over what might happen to Jeff or their relationship if he were to not pull out of the depression. And the stress of the depression may call tension and additional concerns between them. But if she’s “filing away” his experience with a debilitating illness in a judgmental way, that doesn’t seem to be very compassionate or understanding.
8
JJ
// Mar 7, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Mike, I agree with your insightful comments and question about men- esp.#3:
From my experience in mixed groups as well as all male groups, the most profound discoveries about my feelings and insight as a man have come from men. Men understand and relate far more to each other than women could ever do. Yet, I understand why some black men think otherwise, because for generations they have had to dissociate from their feelings. It’s really too bad because the truth of the matter, women understand women best, and men understand men best. It’s the way nature has made us. Women seem to naturally or intuitively know that. They trust and share their feelings with each other quite easily. Men, esp. black men, don’t. Generally, black men have trouble trusting and sharing with each other—esp. the so-called “soft mushy stuff”.
The truth is, that ‘soft mushy stuff’ is really the ‘hard stuff’ that most black men don’t know how to deal with, let alone express. So they talk to black women in order to get feminine feelings from them because they are disconnected from their own true masculine feelings. That may help nurture the “boy” in us but it does not help nurture and develop the “man” in us beause feminine ‘soft stuff’ is not the same as masculine ‘soft stuff’. A man who constantly depends on a woman to help handle his masculine ‘soft stuff’ can lead to some ‘mushy syrupy stuff’. Too much of it can make a man sick—and vice versa for a woman.
Bottom-line, men are no less capable of expressing feelings to each other than women are. That is a myth fabricated by men–esp. in the black community. Fortunately, black men like yourself and others are beginning to challenge that myth. And, it’s a good thing.
9
Mike
// Mar 9, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I agree–men are no less capable of expressing these feelings and in some ways people from the same sex can understand each other better. It’s not a bad thing that men turn towards women for expression but I do think it is a shame that men feel like they can’t turn towards men. You’re 100% right that the “soft stuff” is really the “hard stuff.”
10
L
// Mar 11, 2008 at 9:30 am
What in the world is going on up in here? I don’t mind being misunderstood, because sometimes misunderstanding advances a conversation. However, blanket, unfounded generalizations rarely do so, and certainly do not in this instance. Concerning the misunderstanding, of course the soft, mushy stuff is the hard stuff. Soft and mushy don’t describe complexity and difficulty. Rather, these words were originally used to describe the unbounded, internal nature of feelings generally (and specifically those related to or causing vulnerability). To now turn those concepts on their head and claim that they are really difficult (i.e., hard) is to point out the obvious. Putting words to raw feelings is an exercise in mushiness, and it is necessarily difficult. At least we can agree on that.
JJ, in summary, you posit that black men talk to black women to elicit a feminine perspective because black men are “disconnected from their own masculine feelings.” You got me. First, are you saying that black men’s disconnectedness to their masculine feelings engenders the need to commiserate with feminine views? The disconnect you assert black men have to their “masculine feelings” do not necessarily engender femininity. As Mike pointed out, the inability to express feelings engenders void and/or silence and/or posturing, but not femininity. So your assertion does not make sense on this level. Additionally, what is a masculine feeling? Moreover, both you and Mike make the same mistake in assuming my observation that many black men disclose emotionally to significant others to mean that disclosure implies reciprocation. If you note, my original comment referred to the “ear” of a woman, implying that the man is the talker and the woman the listener. Discourse is one thing and disclosure another. Perhaps what you’ve learned from other black men is during discourse, but how often have you disclosed in these exclusively-masculine settings? Disclosure requires intimacy. I have disclosed to my closest male friends on numerous occasions and on numerous topics. But, the outlet for most of my disclosure throughout my life has been the people I have been most intimate at the time I experienced the feelings I needed to disclose. And those, for me, have been women. Feelings do not acknowledge x versus y chromosomes. Our response to those feelings may be guided by our gender, but when my girl has a shitty day at work I think I know just what she means.
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